My friend Azarhi would tell me it does. Years ago she told me this when we were walking around California at night and my anxiety of being somewhere I was unfamiliar with started to set in.
I’ve thought about that saying a lot since then.
I force myself to go places. I try very hard not to let it control my life. It’s also very irrational and dependant on my mood. I have flown across the continent alone… that doesn’t seem to bother me… I know the pilot knows where they’re going… The hardest part for me is checking in at the right line and finding the proper gate and walking the right direction… If I think I’m going the wrong way I’ll start looking for a washroom or something else I might want to look at to stop me from freaking out.
Some things that really get me going is not knowing which subway stop I want to get off at… There have been times in Toronto where I walk down the stairs to the platform and I almost pass out thinking that I’m lost. I’ve actually had to sit on the stairs and collect myself on a few occasions.
When I’m shopping in a mall and I walk out of a store and forget which way I was walking I normally get this very quick and intense surge of fear… I don’t quite understand it.
The only times I can remember getting lost as a child was in Kingston, ON at the big apple and in a Chucky Cheese type establishment; The latter being a rather terrifying event for me. However, I don’t get flashbacks of these events when the panic strikes me.
Normally when I’m with someone else it’s ok. It’s always made me wonder if I have some form of Monophobia. I don’t know if this is the most reliable link but this describes a lot of how I feel http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/225667/do_you_suffer_from_monophobia.html
My father bought me some mace.
I like the idea behind it but in the back of my head I hear Azarhi. Am I attracting fear? By thinking I need to protect myself? I’ve developed this sort of way of thinking that I can ignore the fear while going somewhere that I don’t feel so safe. Or by distracting myself re-assuring myself THIS is where I’m supposed to be. Wherever THIS is. I’ve come a longer way than I thought I would have. I don’t remember this being as bad when I was a child. Infact, I’m positive this has developed in my late teens.
Anyway,
I’m not sure if I should carry it or not. And I don’t care that it’s illegal.
