Does Fear Attract Fear?

My friend Azarhi would tell me it does. Years ago she told me this when we were walking around California at night and my anxiety of being somewhere I was unfamiliar with started to set in.

I’ve thought about that saying a lot since then.

I force myself to go places. I try very hard not to let it control my life. It’s also very irrational and dependant on my mood. I have flown across the continent alone… that doesn’t seem to bother me… I know the pilot knows where they’re going… The hardest part for me is checking in at the right line and finding the proper gate and walking the right direction… If I think I’m going the wrong way I’ll start looking for a washroom or something else I might want to look at to stop me from freaking out.

Some things that really get me going is not knowing which subway stop I want to get off at… There have been times in Toronto where I walk down the stairs to the platform and I almost pass out thinking that I’m lost. I’ve actually had to sit on the stairs and collect myself on a few occasions.

When I’m shopping in a mall and I walk out of a store and forget which way I was walking I normally get this very quick and intense surge of fear… I don’t quite understand it.

The only times I can remember getting lost as a child was in Kingston, ON at the big apple and in a Chucky Cheese type establishment; The latter being a rather terrifying event for me. However, I don’t get flashbacks of these events when the panic strikes me.

Normally when I’m with someone else it’s ok. It’s always made me wonder if I have some form of Monophobia. I don’t know if this is the most reliable link but this describes a lot of how I feel http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/225667/do_you_suffer_from_monophobia.html

My father bought me some mace.

I like the idea behind it but in the back of my head I hear Azarhi. Am I attracting fear? By thinking I need to protect myself? I’ve developed this sort of way of thinking that I can ignore the fear while going somewhere that I don’t feel so safe. Or by distracting myself re-assuring myself THIS is where I’m supposed to be. Wherever THIS is. I’ve come a longer way than I thought I would have. I don’t remember this being as bad when I was a child. Infact, I’m positive this has developed in my late teens.

Anyway,

I’m not sure if I should carry it or not. And I don’t care that it’s illegal.