down by the boardwalk...

My friend Christine called me up. He hadn't seen each other for about a year but grew up as close childhood friends. She's excited that I want to write a book. Apparently she's always liked my writing. That's cool. Speaking of which I have an idea of someone who I want to do the art for my book... my childhood friend Ian. But I haven't asked him yet. His art is amazing CLICK HERE. I have fond memories of trying to draw Yoshi's with him in 1992. Trying to find places in Toronto to self publish a book probably isn't too hard but it'll take me a while. I mean I can always think about it but I should probably finish writing it and such first.

Christine and I...



Went through some old memories. And talked about anxiety plagues.



My favourite thing when I was a kid ^^. I used to wait until winter and the snow banks were high on one side of this and run up to it slam into this with my stomach and land on the other side. It didn't hurt it was so much fun... maybe that explains why my head is broken.



We went to our old public school around 1am.





as if her eye is reflective like a effin raccoon... creepy.



So many random fences... new parking lots. So many memories I can't believe it. They actually tore down where I was in grades 7 and 8. That made me a little sad. We used to jump out the window to go to recess.







^^^ How I spent my day until Christine called.

Today I'm studying up because I got a wicked awesome job opportunity coming up. My cover letter totally rocked so I want to make it sound I half know what I'm talking about. I would write a lot a lot more if it wasn't for this migraine I have. So that has to be it. And I'm sorry about the layout of pics but I wanna see which way I like it more... and if the pics are semi centered etc. So a wonky looking post it is.

Sleep Hag

Last night's sleep was super shitty. It was a million degrees in Toronto and even tho we have AC we don't use it. That's my mother's logic. It'd be nice to just turn it on a little. Anyway, I kept getting sleep paralysis where my stand up fan kept turning into my high school English Teacher Mr. Johnson who I haven't even seen in years or thought about for that matter. He's not a scary guy by anymeans but it was unnerving. He was actually young and cool and he taught us a lot of things using Simpsons references.

We need a hammock. That would be bliss.

Anyway. My whole immediate family is in a rut. We need to get some cash flow happenin. I think I understand why I'm not great with money now.

I've gotten some pretty decent job offers. I just need to get some courage for the interviews.

I messed around with this picture my friend Johnny took in Newfie Land.



I wanna go on a road trip. I think I might be losing the weight I put on. I think it's because I'm too poor to gorge myself.

I'm feeling kinda artistic I dig that. Are for the most part is free for me to work on (I have oodles and oodles of paint and some canvas) so maybe I'll have something to show for it later on today.

Keep cool mah babies.

Just Like Everyone Else

Just like everyone else I want to be more active. There are some bills I need to pay in town and I should really suck it up and do it. I'm going to do some grocery shopping today and I'm going to walk/jog for a bit today. I don't want to go into the buildings to pay my bills but I have to. Maybe I'll bring my camera and it'll be more "okay" or fun even... who knows what I'll see.

Agoraphobia is a piece of shit. My mother is all "You're getting pretty sad with your responsibilities child!" See... she forgot already what I'm going through.

Sleep Hag Spider

Well last night was interesting... I have a migraine... during the day I've taken reactine, my prescription eye drops for allergies and then for my brain that's imploding an advil. I go to lie down... for 2 hours because I have a paper I have to finish writing for my Philosophy of Love and Sex class which I was really looking forward to doing. Sometimes reactine makes my legs twitch at night but this was a different symptom. When my alarm went off at 1am to wake up and work on my paper I dreamy that my cell phone was a spider... but my eyes were open and I was kinda moving towards it... I swung it around infront of my face to investigate it... it's like I knew it was my cell but at the same time thought it was a spider... not enough tho because I wasn't disgusting. Here's some cracked out spiders that I found when I was trying to find a pic of a trippy spider. I hate spiders but these ones are lol: http://www.trinity.edu/jdunn/spiderdrugs.htm

I also dreamt last night that I was walking in Vancouver up Seymour and my friend Tasha had a clothing store and I was visiting her. I ended up running into someone I only know of through a friend of a friend named Rod and we were going to go out for sushi. Instead all sorts of friends from my past kept coming in and distracting me.

A checklist of things to do:

= Pay Income Tax Guy
= Figure out what the most beautiful thing I've ever seen is
= Prostitution Essay
= Buy Booze
= Pay Dentist Bill
= Pay Credit Card Start-Up Fees then cancel the piece of shit.

If only I liked going outside. ^^

Rock band; movie night party tonight, luau tomorrow. I'm not too looking forward to the luau but that's just anxiety about getting there I'm sure I'll have an ok time when I get there. I have white shorts with pineapples on them, sexy white heels, a yellow shirt and my favourite yellow BCBG hoodie. Oh yes. I'm sure I'll post pics when I get my MacBook back.

Long entry doh dee doh.

Kicking in the TV - Cans on the Trees; I Love You.

I was driving home and I drove by an iguana and since I haven't musted up the courage to stop my car and take pics... I didn't... Just like the church signs I keep missing.

My MacBook has been sent away to Apple. I finally managed to go do that. Boourns. I'm trying to take a buncha pics to start things off with it. I used to get so worked up about losing pictures because I always look at them and it's quite emotional for me. I try to think of things that... those pictures are not the memories themselves so I should be able to let go.

Income tax cheque = yay. I hit up value village and got some new mavi jeans, a reversible scarf with skulls on it, a beige and gold clutch and brand new pair of nice white sandal heels, all for $25.

I just woke up at 3am. I missed a presentation because of this cold/flu/allergy/possible eye infection thing I have going on and my teacher wants a docs note. I can't get in until May 15th... That's pathetic. It almost sounds illegal. I have to wait that long just to get my doc to fax something too. How ridiculous is that? I made the appointment WEEKS ago. It's just to fax paperwork. Schools out by then so it's not really of use to me. I could possibly fail this course because it was my exam... not to mention I was working hard at it and have a decent mark. Not to mention I'll have to live with sore eyes until then... unless I go to the hospital but hospitals make me wig out.

Now I'm grumpy about everything.

Getting Help

Today I go to the doctor. It's not something I feel like doing.

If my doc is serious about helping me I think I'll end up talking to someone and giving me meds that can calm me down.

I feel so embarrassed and uncomfortable.

Update: For those keeping score at home. I got a referral to a Agoraphobia Help Centre and my work should be able to give me some short term time off so I can get a grip on things. I'm trying to do this un-medicated.

Does Fear Attract Fear?

My friend Azarhi would tell me it does. Years ago she told me this when we were walking around California at night and my anxiety of being somewhere I was unfamiliar with started to set in.

I’ve thought about that saying a lot since then.

I force myself to go places. I try very hard not to let it control my life. It’s also very irrational and dependant on my mood. I have flown across the continent alone… that doesn’t seem to bother me… I know the pilot knows where they’re going… The hardest part for me is checking in at the right line and finding the proper gate and walking the right direction… If I think I’m going the wrong way I’ll start looking for a washroom or something else I might want to look at to stop me from freaking out.

Some things that really get me going is not knowing which subway stop I want to get off at… There have been times in Toronto where I walk down the stairs to the platform and I almost pass out thinking that I’m lost. I’ve actually had to sit on the stairs and collect myself on a few occasions.

When I’m shopping in a mall and I walk out of a store and forget which way I was walking I normally get this very quick and intense surge of fear… I don’t quite understand it.

The only times I can remember getting lost as a child was in Kingston, ON at the big apple and in a Chucky Cheese type establishment; The latter being a rather terrifying event for me. However, I don’t get flashbacks of these events when the panic strikes me.

Normally when I’m with someone else it’s ok. It’s always made me wonder if I have some form of Monophobia. I don’t know if this is the most reliable link but this describes a lot of how I feel http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/225667/do_you_suffer_from_monophobia.html

My father bought me some mace.

I like the idea behind it but in the back of my head I hear Azarhi. Am I attracting fear? By thinking I need to protect myself? I’ve developed this sort of way of thinking that I can ignore the fear while going somewhere that I don’t feel so safe. Or by distracting myself re-assuring myself THIS is where I’m supposed to be. Wherever THIS is. I’ve come a longer way than I thought I would have. I don’t remember this being as bad when I was a child. Infact, I’m positive this has developed in my late teens.

Anyway,

I’m not sure if I should carry it or not. And I don’t care that it’s illegal.